November 06, 2012

Solo Dolo


Lately I've been feeling my happiest when alone. I dont want to feel this way and sometimes I feel as if I'm abandoning my boyfriend but I just want to be left alone. A part of me feels like he'll eventually get tired of my cold shoulder, but another part of me feels like he won't even notice. :-(


Why am I distant from my significant other? Damned if i know. But ....smh sometimes I get annoyed when we speak on the phone. When I'm near him i adore him, but when we go days without seeing each other I get super annoyed. Just his voice coming through my phone annoys me to the core sometimes. Why do I feel  like that?

And little things he does, or doesn't do are beginning to urk me but he is the most kindest and faithful  guy that ive ever been with so what is the problem?  Is it that I'm beginning to feel as if I'am settling?

I don't feel as if I'm settling but little stuff like taking your girlfriend out or suprising her....those moments are rare. Outings happen, what.....once every other month? All he's into is staying home and talking about what he wants us to do.......he doesn't follow through.



I mean i love him and i know relationships are not about going out and spending money but.....staying home gets kinda old too. Am i weird people? I mean girls like to be spoiled here and there. Does that make me a gold digger? Ive been in relationships before and going out was standard but if i say that to my  boyfriend I feel like i'd be slapping him in the face and challenging his manhood. He does not get it. I hope i don't get bored of  him. I feel so bad.



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October 27, 2012

Nextttttt Chapter!


*sigh* Im just at a point where I'm ready for college to be over and done with. Its getting old and I'm so ready to start my career. Its taking far too long and I'm getting far too old for this. I mean if we were to rewind to me at 19 and have me predict where I would be at 2*cough* this would not where I would see myself. I mean at this age I wouldnt have minded being married and three years deep into my career. I could possibly be contemplating a child within the next two years and probably have an apartment with my honey....but I guess things never work out the way we want them to.

Thats the funny thing about life tho. Things are always unexpected and to get to where we need to be its like we are always forced to take a hard road. Sometimes I stop and compare my life to that of my successful friends and I just cant help but to wonder where the hell I went wrong.

Its also funny because once you get one aspect of your life in order then another part of your life goes haywire. Right now my love life is pretty much in tact which is great but this no career thing is killer. I wish there cud be a point in my life where I'm in love and I'm where I want to be financially. That would be so awesome, but with the way things are looking so bleak right now that seems like just a dream.

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August 10, 2012

Moving on?


Guys I'm so scared to get into a relationship but I think I finally found the one.... I mean he was always around the whole time. I feel like I've throughly enjoyed my summer and I'm ready for some stability. I did the whole single thing and being liberated its cool and all but it gets boring after a while. Sick of kissing so many frogs and I'm tired of letting one person break my heart over anddd over. In september I finally start student teaching and what is hopefully my last semester in school. I just finally want to be happy (since I've literally been fighting hapiness).

What i fear the most is for my new relationship to fail because it would really put me in a tough position but I guess thats the chance people take with love......it may not always work. I'm over the whole love thing but if I dont take this gamble then I think I will always wonder "what if".

Im not jumping into anything as yet but the mere fact that I'm even contemplating settling down again is major.

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July 30, 2012

Baby you summer time fine



Loving my summer. Its about to go :-(

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July 11, 2012

My Main Man....Besides My Daddy...It's Bestie!



This guy has had my back for the longest and sometimes (well a lot of the times) I take him for granted. I mean we've had our ups and downs but if there's one guy that I can honestly say I trust aside from family it would have to be him.

It's funny because time and time again I wonder what my life would be like if he never came into it and I can't imagine how I would have done it without him. Is my best friend a catch...hell yeah. Does he think I'm bi polar....probably. One thing is for sure though, our relationship is definitely one of a kind.

July 09, 2012

The Bad Guy/Girl

Say Hello To The Bad Guy (Insert  Evil Laugh Here)


Really though, lately I've been feeling like the world's biggest b*tch. How do whorish guys look themselves in the mirror. Mkay so this is my summer of freedom, my summer of independence, my summer as an adult, etc. This summer I don't want to be tied down to no Tom, Dick, or John. 

But you know what urks me when you tell people you love being single, or that you hate the idea of being tied down....they automatically assume you are: 

a. psychotic or b. some type of ho 

I'm over the whole boyfriend crap, I don't want to exert the energy it takes to tell someone what makes me happy....I'M OVER IT! Here's an example: Being in a relationship is like teaching a baby how to walk. Eventually a baby has to walk and mommy or daddy has to help them to do so but I don't want to be mommy or daddy right now. I don't want to teach a baby how to walk as of this second!!!!!!! (What I mean is I don't want to teach a man how to love me, for those of you who aren't following my example). 

Being in a new relationship requires time, patience, effort on both sides, the willingness to actually want to tie yourself up to somebody.....I mean the list goes on and on....it's a list that I'm not down for. 

Sometimes I blame my ex for making me this monster but whatever I went through with him I thank him wholeheartedly for. I learned not to be naive and not to put anything past ANYBODY. It's a dog eat dog world out there so keep those legs closed and those eyes open when looking for someone to settle down with. Fortunately I'm not looking for someone to settle down with....lol....no but really. Being in what I was helped me to see that men NEVER settle. A man will have no job, no cell phone, or no apartment of his own but will still deny a girl who wears glasses, has no ass, and no hair. 

Men have standards and are assholes so you know what ladies, sometimes it's only fair that we flip the script. Get picky ladies! What did you say honey? You graduated with a GED?........NEXT! Sweetheart you said you believe that only a woman should cook?.....BYE!!!!! Wait did you just say the last book you read was in highschool?.....Really tho? Dueces!

STANDARDS: Get YOU some!

All in all I believe it is essential for people to be alone especially when they have baggage....and believe me I have BAGGAGE! I got carry on baggage, suitcases, totes, purses, backpacks....lol alll of it. I have issues that need to be dealt with and until I tackle those demons I don't think I can every be faithful or serious with someone. Please believe I can jump into something with someone now but if I don't learn to value myself as well as that person then its pointless because I will cheat. People cheat when they are unhappy. I'm unhappy right now and to put myself in a situation with someone would only cause them harm....but hey I'm the bad guy right?  I hate when people feel like its taking too long for me to get over a breakup .....don't tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing. Matters of the heart are delicate and if I want to take 5 years to get my sh*t together then I'm gonna do just that. If  a man can't wait for me to completely heal or thinks I'm taking too long to make him my man then he should move on....cuz I'm loving me right now and I've never done that.

For years I've searched for validation from others......men in particular. RIght now its crazy but I'm in love with myself. I think I'm gorgeous (never did before), I believe I need to treat myself as opposed to wasting my money on a man (always used to). I'm learning to be INDEPENDENT.  I need this time....call me the "bad guy" if you must but I'll be "bad" if it means I get to love myself. 

July 08, 2012

July 07, 2012

Lets Just Let The Weight Marinate

Lately I've been on some sit around and be stagnant type of flow. I just have no desire to be active.....but i have an overactive desire to eat......ugh! I'd like to blame it on my period because when I know I'm about to get it I feel particularly lazy and fatter than usual :-/

But in all seriousness though I reallllly need to be more active. I'm not saying I'm a fat cow but I know for a fact that the closer you get to 30 then the harder it is for your metabolism to work honey.

 Being active is not necessarily to lose weight either, I just like doing it because I can feel like I have a healthier lifestyle.  Something about working out and breaking a sweat sends positive little impulses to your brain so you can be happy #truestory :-)

So Guess what peoples?!? I challenge you to leave your computer now and do 20 sit ups....nowwwwwww goooooooooooooo!

(Did you do em? Yeah didn't think yall would).

Let me get my lazy, unmotivated, and heavy body up to go play some dance central....smh. Happy Saturday Guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

July 04, 2012

Some Positivity

I Love this song, it is so positive and it can't make me help but to think that to move foward in this thing called life all you have to do is keep trying.

When you just give up on a dream you never know how close you actually were....so keep your head up and keep trucking!!!!!

"There Is Nothing Special About I'am Just A Little Star"

July 01, 2012

That Chick You Will Never Have Again...Eat Your Heart Out Bitch

That moment where you see your ex at a summer bbq....and feel absolutely nothing....that's the best feeling ever.

The moment where you pity him rather than feel butterflies...that shit is so liberating.

They say time is the best healer ever and they were so right.....that look on his face when he remembered that his EX girl was a bad chick  that he can never have again...haaaaaaaaaaa. LOVE IT!

Now off to look and deal with someone who is worth my time, i wasted tooooo many tears on that guy. NEVER AGAIN! Chunking Up Them Dueces.

June 29, 2012

Real Friends....or Really Fake Friends?

You guys ever have a friend that you love to hate? It doesn't make any sense I KNOW but I was seriously going through that with two of my best friends.

I'm the type of person where I don't like to be around negative people....I need uplifting and positive spirits near because i love to laugh and I'm super goofy/geeky etc. My two best girlfriends though have been getting on my nerves something serious.

As you guys know I'm single and I can say I have been for a year (my two month long distance relationship with this guy I knew for but a week before he left doesn't count). Anywho as a single gal I can honestly say I fuck up (excuse my french) but I do. I just do dumb stuff and put myself in the weirdest predicaments. Throughout all my fuck ups my friends know about everything, which I now realize isn't the smartest thing. It's like my friends no longer respect me or think that I'm level headed because I'm single and I'm enjoying it to its full potential.

I tell my friends I read relationship books.....  They think I'm a dumbass
I tell my friends I like such and such guy.....He's not good enough
I tell my friends I went out on a date with x, y, z....They tell me good luck sarcastically
I tell my friends I 'm not perming my hair.....They say I'll never get a man if  I walk around with no relaxer in my head.

It's like I'm so tired of it. I know their intentions for me are good but lately me and my friends have been butting heads.  I'm starting to think with negative friends like them then why the hell do I need enemies. And their negative remarks aren't just tied to my love life it goes to my financial situation, my job,  how I do my hair, what clothes I have on my back. I honestly feel like I have two female boyfriends  that are trying to run my life.

I ask for advice because I need opinions not because I'm some ditzy girl who doesn't know what the world is about.

The best thing I figure I can do now is not tell them ANYTHING about my love life because for some reason it's leading them to believe that they can run my entire life.

How about you guys, have you ever felt like dumping your friends? How did you make it through the hurdle?

*Sigh* I Just want to be happy and anything that takes away from that can go .....males and females included.

June 24, 2012

WHAT IF.....

What If........

  • What if he and I stayed together?

  • What if i never stepped out on that guy?

  • What if i continued with nursing?

  • What If i open my heart to him and lose him?

  • What if cancer never existed?

  • What if I never fell in love?

  • What if I had a little sister?

  • What If I want to have a child before I'm 30?

  • What if I was the girl they never expected me to be?

  • What if I took it there?

  • What if I say goodbye completely?

  • What if I never find prince charming?

  • What if being a teacher doesn't work out?

  • What if I never heal this pain inside?
I've come to the point in my life where the trivial things no longer matter. Ever since I was a freshman in college I couldn't wait to graduate and finally be somebody and make something of myself......fast foward a couple of years and I still didn't graduate.

A part of me felt like a loser because it's taking me forever to make it down this long road, but now I feel like I'm finally making progress down this long ass road. I also realized NOW that for all these years I've been ungrateful. I was so concerned about graduating because I wanted an expensive ass car, pay that surpassed minimum wage, and clothing.

These are the ONLY reasons why I cared to graduate...Oh yea and making my parents happy.

But now that I've stopped being so petty I'm opening up my eyes and I'm realizing that I should thank God for what I do have....

  • A roof over my head
  • A car (not an expensive ass one, but gets me from point A to point B)
  • Friends/Family
  • A job that brings in some type of income (not everybody can find one of those lately)
Just food for thought peeps, be happy with what you do have because it could always be worse. Don't compare yourself to anyone else either, just keep doing you.

April 09, 2012

Poor Girl....By Maya Angelou



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April 04, 2012

The end?



"Lately, have I told you I love you? "

What if tomorrow is not promised, what if I don't see the light if tomorrow?

Can I really and truly say that I've lived?

Go hard or go home, love hard or don't love at all, give any and everything 100%.......a change is gonna come.

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March 27, 2012

Thinking


Some times I feel so alone in all of my thoughts but in this place I find solace, quiet, and I fear nothing except those thoughts.

Do I let these thoughts consume me and over rule me? Its hard not to when there are certain questions embedded in me and that won't go away.

So here I sit, my thoughts and all waiting for that second shoe to hit the floor.

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March 26, 2012

Bye



Good bye Ohio state booski.....was nice to finally meet a decent guy, even if only for a week.

:-(  he gave me his sweater guys....so sad!

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March 22, 2012

Guess I'll see you next life time...


Blog family, you ever think you met the right person but at the wrong point in your lives?

I met A guy through my best friend and he's ambitious, plays football, wants to be a teacher like I do, nice build, awesome personality, but there's one problem.....

He lives in Ohio on campus and I live in NY....I can't win for losing. Smdh.

The past week I've been spending whatever time I had with him before he goes away but damn...this can't be it! What a cruel joke that life is playing on me.

Damn.

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March 15, 2012

Weave Wonder

Lol. This One Cracks Me Up But I Never Posted Because School Has Taken Over My Social Life.


So I Met This Dude....He's A Chill, Laid Back Type Of Guy. I Met Him We Decide To Go On A Date And Whatnot...He Was A Gentleman, Didn't Lean In For A Kiss Or Anything Like That On The First Date So That Was Kool.....Now Fast Forward A Month Later We Never Went Out On A Second Date But We Continued Texting Here And There.





Um One Day Dude Randomly Texts Me Do You Wear Weaves? I Mean I Responded Honestly, No Point In Giving Him False Advertisement Right? I Said Yes I Wear Weaves From Time To Time For Styling Purposes But I'm Def Not Bald Headed (Now Ladies This Is Why THE FUCK I GET MAD AT MYSELF AS A FEMALE!). So Then He Texts Oh I Can't Tell You Look Like You Have Nice Hair.... (NIGGA WHAT?). Then He Continues: Oh To Be Honest With You I Prefer A Woman Who Is Au Naturale So I Can Run My Fingers Through Her Hair...(No, No....NIGGA WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST TEXT?!?)



AND THIS IS WHY I'M MAD AT MYSELF......You Have A Job With No Real Income, On The First Date You Told Me You Have A Suspended License, You Told Me You Need Weed To Function, You Don't Have A Car (Nigga You Got Picked Up At Your House By Me), You Don't Go To School, And Surprise Surprise You Live With Your Mama! Who.....(Wait Let Me Put This All In Capital Letters) WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ON YOUR DAMN HIGH HORSE THAT YOU CAN'T ACCEPT MY WEAVE THAT IIIIIIIIIII PAY FOR?!!!???








I Didn't Say Anything About Your "Weed Habit" That You Need On A Daily Basis In Order To Function As Being Unattractive But Yea It's Not Cute Sweetie.



See My Point Is...Sometimes Females Settle And It Is So Sad Cause These Assholes Are Definitely Are Not Willing To Settle For Us And If They Are They Voice Their Unhappiness. I Think His Negatives Are Alot More Heavier Than My Damn Weave. And There My Dumb Ass Was....I Was Actually Giving This Scum Bucket The Time Of Day...Like O I Can Get Past The Weed, No Car, No License......NOOOO NOOOO NOOOOOO....NO MORE SETTLING! Get Your Life Together Little Boy...You Would Be Lucky If My Unbeweavable Ass Took You Serious. Tuh!

Random Questions






  1. Why Do Smart People Make Such DUMB Decisions?



  2. I Think I'm A Swell Gal....So Where Is The Love Of My Life At?



  3. How Come Things Never Work Out In The Way That We Pictured It In Our Heads?



  4. Why Date A "Bad Boy" When I Already Know He's "BAD"?



  5. Why Do People In Committed Relationships Cheat.....Karma Is A B*tch, Keep Playing Nigga



  6. WHY THE HELL IS COLLEGE SO DRAINING?



  7. Can You Be In Love With Three Different People For Different Reasons?



  8. Why Do Ex's Always Come Back...What The Fudge DO I Have To Do Pour Holy Water On Your Ass?



  9. Why Do I No Longer Believe In The Idea Of Settling Down



  10. Why Do I Know SO Many Bi Polar People....Deadass.

March 10, 2012

Get it right, Get it tight



So I'm working on getting abs and this ish is harder than it seems. This is a recent picture I took. I mean this is the only place I could think of to post progress besides Facebook so blogger it is. How I plan to make progress ....hmm

Well first off I gym at least 2 times a week but my eating habits need improvement. I usually sleep which means I think it's ok to eat at all hours if the night...no Bueno.

The changes i want to make are as follows :

No eating less than an hour before bed.

up my water intake.

No fast food (only allowed snack wraps from McDonalds)

Any type of rice being eaten I can only eat a fist portion.

Stay away from fried foods.

I'm trying to build a healthier me, hopefully I have the will power to get my summer body.



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Black Barbie

See We Finally Have Our Black Princess, A Representation Of Me.

Brown, Caramel, Or Darkskinned .....Usually On The Out And Never In. I Look In The Mirror And I Never Could See Those Baby Blues Or Blond Hair.

I Washed My Skin As A Child Hoping This Dark Tint Would Go Away But This Overbearing Complexioned Seemed Like It Was Here To Stay. Soap And Water Couldnt Do The Trick.
Why Am I So Dark, Why Do I Have To Look Like This?

But Wait...Here Is A Doll That Looks Similar To Me...She's Not So Bad, A Natural Beauty.



[<3 That The Younger Generation (And Even I As An Adult) Get To See A Black American Princess. Not Only That But Princess Tianna Is Gorgeous.]

March 03, 2012

I hate social networks :-(


You know that moment in time you happen to come across/stalk your ex boyfriends Facebook page and you realized they've moved on... That's a stab in the chest.

And its painful not even because you want them back but because they moved on before you did when they made your relationship so difficult.

I mean when you see happy pictures and such of him and his new lady you can't help but to wonder "where did I go wrong?" Why didn't I match up to this person? 

But I click X. And get off the page... I gotta move on with my life, this is ridiculous.



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February 29, 2012

Illuminate



Sometimes things can look so bleak, sometimes life  throws you curve balls, but it gets better right? At some point in time I will notice the sun shine.

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February 27, 2012

Love Zombie



Lately I've Been Seeing This Disgusting Pattern Of People Around Me Who Are In Love....And That's Cool, But These People Have CHANGED (And Not For The Better).








I Have A Brother Who Told My Dad He Hated Him To His Face...And This Hurt Me, So I Could Almost Imagine How Him Saying That Affected My Dad. It's Actually Pretty Sad Because My Dad Only Looks Out For My Brother's Best Interest But Because My Dad Insulted His Girlfriend My Brother Felt The Need To Lash Out.






If I Ever Fall In Love And Dare Turn My Back On Friends/Family Then I Don't Need That Type Of Love. I Don't Ever Wanna Be A Brain Dead Person Made Blind By Love. I Don't Ever Want A Love Where I Love A Person More Than I Love Myself Either. Hell 2 Tha No.

February 23, 2012

Snowboarding Boyeeeeee!


I'm going snowboarding this weekend and I can't wait!!! I'm so excited! I know i'm wrong but i'm about to search you tube for pranks to do on my best friend....lmao! she better not be irrational and try to fall asleep b4 me.

Besides that hope everyone is doing well, sorry my post is dry i'm phone b blogging.

Toddles loves!



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February 22, 2012

Don't


Baby Dont Give Me Those Words Of Affection Without Using  Some Discretion. Dont tell me im your world only to turn around and say the same to another girl. Dont build up my hopes and dreams only to knock them down with no hesitancy. Dont tell me your feelings are growing strong because my gut says you are all wrong. Dont look into my eyes, connect to my soul, get into my stream, dont do those things.

Dont rub me down,  dont kiss right there...i think you see me playing it off like i dont care. Ignore my moans, yes doesnt mean go but o....that big O.

Baby you dont know what you do to me, now im caught up, dont set me free.

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La la land :-)

Officially happy, no sweeteners or additives needed. interestingly solo, loving me, and free!

February 10, 2012

My Birthday!!!!








So February 9th Was My 18th Bday *cough*

My Girlfriends Cracked Me Up And Got Me A Cake In The Shape Of My Kindle Touch. My Kindle Is Where I Get All My Information From That Which Relates To Men So I Can Preach At My Girlfriends. I LOVEEE My Self Help Books About Men.

As A Joke They Gave Me A Cake Kindle With Advice For Me. Too Funny!

February 06, 2012

Close But No Cigar


I Found Almost Everything I Wanted In You ....But That Almost Is Not Quite Enough.
So I Try, Try Again
Wondering When I Could Find The One That Fulfils My Dream Thing.

But Wait I Don't Want To Go, On Second Thought There's No Way I Could Stay....

My Mr. Almost Everything How Can I Keep Away?
I Hope And Pray Things With Him Will Change....

Till Then I Try, Try Again Until I Find Love Or Till My Mr. Almost Everything Can Become My Everything.

February 04, 2012

I Definitely Was Not Up In Your Bed...Sorry Try Again



I Hate Men Who Speak Fabricated Stories.

Basically there's this guy at my work place who was messing with, or involved with my close friend....But the twist is I kinda felt vibes coming from this guy that seemed strange. He gave me vibes of (if i wasn't talking to your home gurl me and you would be talking) but I dunno I chalked it up to my imagination and ignored it.

Now this same guy my friend was talking to seem to playful towards me and I honestly did not like that sh*t....I would curse him out and insult him regularly but I guess for him it meant i liked him....I Dunno, this is what I am assuming. I never hung out with him one on one but i did double date with him and my close friend twice. Fast foward some and now I'm hearing rumors all around my workplace that he smashed my friend and me.

WHATTTT?!? First of all I don't know who is creating this rumors and I feel sucked into the whole situation because my friend involved herself with this shady individual. This is exactly why I just do my job and go the fu*k home without involving myself with my male co workers.

When men see a female they can not attain they create any and everything to make it seem like they have conquered you. I tell my friend all the time do NOT mess around with the men you work with because that can come back and give you a bad name. Now I'm sucked into her bullsh*t with her...smh.






Men love to put up a front and they live for bragging about smashing girl a, b, and c.....and that's kool I guess because fast girls put themselves in a position to be put on blast like that. However, I DO NOT RESPECT a man who brags about who they did NOT smash just to appear like "the man" in front of his boys.






Some men need to grow up and realize they are not little boys anymore...and that's exactly why I keep my distance from sus ass men and sus ass situations. I can always say my name is been it and I wasn't in it because I make sure to carry myself with respect around men I do not know.






Do You Guys Date Or Deal With Your Co Workers On A Intimate Level? If So Did It Work?






I Wud Never Ever Eat Where I Lay My Head.....It's Just Asking For Trouble!